The Not So Itsy Bitsy Spider
by Irish Story Teller
Summary: Part of the "Stories the Officers Wouldn't Tell" series. Will Murdoch and Quartermaster Robert Hichens encounter and try to figure out how to get rid of a most pecular spider.
1. Chapter 1

Stories the Officers Wouldn't Tell: The Not So Itsy Bitsy Spider

**Disclaimer**: I do not own any of the _Titanic_ characters. They all belong to history and their respective owners and I make no claims to them. This fan fiction is written for entertainment purposes only. I make no money off this bit of silliness.

**Based on a true story.**

Chapter One

Greedily taking advantage of a few quiet moments First Officer William Murdoch rested in his bed as he once again began to read his mystery novel...or rather tried to. It seemed each time he had a moment to read his book someone or something came along to interrupt it.

But there would be no interruptions this time.

Flipping to the last page where he had left off in his book he settled in to find out who the mystery killer was.

...Or rather tried to.

Something quick and black caught his attention.

Moving his blue eyes upwards Will found himself staring at a large black spider. It's eight glowing red eyes read _touch me and you __will__ die, meat puppet!_

Gathering up his courage Will knew just what he had to do to destroy the wretched thing.

He flung his book at the spider.

Missed!

_Great, now I've made it mad!_ Will thought before doing the next best thing. He ran out of his cabin...screaming.

Quartermaster Robert Hichens could've sworn he heard a high-pitched voice being carried by the wind.

_Who stepped on a cat?_ Hichens wondered to himself.

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiichens!" Will shrieked until he collided with the other man.

The pair fell to the ground in a heap of tangled arms and legs. Will's face was planted firmly in Hichens' stomach.

"Do you plan on making this worth my while Murdoch?" Hichens asked.

"No," came the muffled reply.

"Then get off of me!"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

"Wait, wait, wait, let me get this straight..." Hichens said. "There's a spider in your cabin?"

"A _big ugly_ spider," Will corrected.

"Fine, a _big ugly_ spider in your cabin and you want me to go kill it?"

Will nodded.

"Why would I go to your cabin when it's right there?" Hichens asked and pointed to the corner where the spider had happily made it's new home.

"It can _teleport_?!" Will shrieked in horror.

_Note to self: get Mister Murdoch to stop reading science fiction_, Hichens thought and mentally cursed Officer Pitman for getting Will started on H.G. Wells among other authors.

"It probably _migrated_," Hichens said with a roll of his eyes.

"It got a spider sized car where the front end bounces up and down and it _drove_ here? Are people going to start writing England asking for information on the driving spider?!"

"We really need to cut down on the sugar in your tea."

"Oh yeah."

"So now what do we do with that spider?"

"Kill it! I don't want to bear its young!"

With another roll of his eyes Hichens turned to look at the spider. He immediately wilted under its penetrating gaze.

"It's big..." Hichens managed to say.

"Yeah..."

"Really big..."

"Oh yeah..."

Hichens clapped Will on the shoulder, "Well, good luck with that spider rearing Will, old chap!"

"Get back here!" Will snapped as he latched onto the quartermaster. "How do we kill it?"

"Stepping on it will only make it mad."

Long spider legs began to tap on the web as if the spider were becoming bored with their bickering.

Will glanced away from the spider, "There's Lowe! He's not afraid of spiders!"

Racing away Will grabbed onto Fifth Officer Harold Lowe and pulled him to the web. "Harry, we need to help you get rid of a spider..."

"Why don't you just _step_ on it?" Harold asked.

Will nervously pointed at the spider that had begun to eyeball the fresh meat that had arrived.

Harold took one look at the spider before his eyes grew wide. "Good luck with getting rid of it lads!"

Without warning Harold sprinted away shrieking the spider apocalypse was upon them.

"Have you even _tried_ to kill it?" Hichens asked Will after several tense seconds had passed.

"I threw my book at it," Will answered.

"And...?"

"I missed the spider."

Hichens sighed. "Hold on, I'll be back."

Will eyed his adversary suspiciously. Just as the wheels in Hichens' head were turning the wheels in the spider's head was doing just the same.

"Quit looking at me like that!" Will shrieked at the spider.

"Right, this'll paint his little red wagon," Hichens mused as he returned with a large broom. "We'll knock it off its web and then step on it."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

"Holy—I didn't know spiders could break brooms!" Hichens shrieked.

"How can spiders do that?! It's Satan's pet spider!" Will added.

Hichens looked mournfully down at the two halves of the broom. "I say it's about time we start hailing our spider overlords."

The spider began to move along the web, long legs almost dancing as it taunted them.

To Will's horror the spider focused its eight eyed glare on him.

"Die already you spawn of Satan!" Will commanded.

A loud noise made the first officer jerk away. When he opened his eyes all he saw was one lone spider leg dangling upon the destroyed web.

"Did it just blow itself up?!" Hichens asked.

Second Officer Charles Lightoller calmly holstered his revolver.

"I've seen bigger," he coolly said before turning around and going about his duties.

End.


End file.
